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The lessons I have learned as an equestrian have helped me become a better mom. Children and horses are not all that different. When I was a kid, I spent most of my summers and weekends working/volunteering at a stable that had 60 horses. Yes, that’s right, 60 horses! Early on, I learned that horses need patience and consistency to be able to learn and grow, just as children do.
When I went through the elementary education program to be a teacher, the professors preached about having consistency in the way you ran your classroom. Patience was important, because let’s face it, if you are working with other people’s children, you definitely cannot lose your temper. As a parent, I’ve listened to many parenting books. The authors (usually psychologists) talk about patience, consistency, and follow through. If you tell a child there will be a consequence, then there better be a (reasonable) consequence. If there are not consequences, then the child will never listen. They are just empty threats or promises. As equestrians, we know it is the same with horses. When you squeeze or push with your leg to get the horse to step away from it, the horse should do just that. What happens when the horse doesn’t listen? Do you just keep squeezing and hoping that there is some kind of change or reaction? Of course not! Now, I am definitely not saying you should kick your child if they don’t listen. That is not the answer. However, I’m sure we have all been in the grocery store or on an airplane and heard a parent screaming out empty threats. And of course, the child just looks at them and continues doing what they were doing.
Patience
When you lose your patience, you lose control over the situation. There is a difference between respect and fear. Respect is earned, fear is forced. When you scream, yell, or are abusive (to children or horses), you are ruling with fear. When you are patient yet firm, you are ruling with respect. You can never trust something (or someone) to make the right decision when they are being ruled by fear. Patience does not come to everyone naturally. Some of us are given more than others. Working with horses has helped me become more tolerant and more patient. No matter how cute your child is, they will still test your patience. My child had colic for the first 8 months of life. If you don’t know what a colicky child is like, it’s basically torture, especially for first time parents. Colicky children cry relentlessly, and there is nothing you can do about it. I read somewhere that they use recordings of colicky babies crying to torture people. It just about broke me. I think that my time spent around horses helped strengthen those “patience muscles.”
Consequences
Having patience does not mean that there are not firm consequences. Consequences are important. Without consequences, your demands may mean nothing. For example, if your child refuses to pick up a toy and you just keep asking, “please pick up your toy, please pick up your toy…” Your child is never going to do it. Reasonable consequences are important. “Please pick up your toy,” is fine to ask once or twice. A reasonable consequence is “Please pick up your toy. If I have to pick it up, it is going on a shelf and you’ll have to earn it back.” An unreasonable consequence looks like this, “Please pick up your toy. If I have to pick it up, you are getting grounded for 1 month!” I mean, we have all heard of kids getting grounded for crazy amounts of time. What are you going to do if that kid does something else minor within that month? Ground them for the next month, and the next month and the next month? Just like I used to tell my riding students, the punishment has to meet the crime. If your horse does something minor, are you going to take a whip to them? I sure hope not! It is no different with horses. You should have reasonable consequences.
Follow Through
Just like having patience and consequences is important with horses and kids, you must also follow through with the consequence. If you had to pick that toy up and put it on the shelf, then you better not give it back to the child until they earned it (whatever that means to you). Although follow through is important to both children and horses, there are some differences. With horses, our follow through needs to be almost immediate for them to be able to connect the consequence to their actions. With children, you can tell them there will be a consequence later, BUT you still must follow through with a consequence. This took a little bit of time for me to realize, and I still am working on it. Jim Fay, the author of “Parenting with Love and Logic,” wrote a lot about this. He has a great book and I would highly recommend it: Affiliate Link https://amzn.to/38LLV4a
Consistency
“Trust is built with consistency.” ~ Lincoln Chafee.
Routines, rules and expectations need to stay consistent. Imagine a boarding facility that changed routines every week. Horses went out with different horses. Feed times were different. Stall assignments were different. Can you imagine the chaos? We couldn’t imagine doing this to our horses, but we don’t always think of it being that big of a deal if we do it to our kids. Children need consistency too. Consistent routines help children feel safe. Consistent rules and expectations help children behave. I love my mom, but when we were children she would randomly come up with a new rule. She’d stick to it for a few days and then it would disappear. We never knew when this was going to happen either. We also never really listened to the rules because… well, they’d be gone in a week so who cares? If you need to make a change in rules or routines, then do it. But, do not constantly change them.
Conclusion
My time spent with horses made me a better mother and teacher. We are all creatures of habit and there are many things we share in common. Cheers to well behaved horses and children!
