Bullying doesn’t only happen on the school playground, adults can be bullies too.

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There’s been many times I’ve experienced sweaty palms, butterflies in my stomach, and a racing heart as I drove down the barn driveway. It’s happened more than once in my life and definitely at more than one barn. Riding is supposed to be fun and being around horses is supposed to be relaxing. Bullies can ruin that. Bullying doesn’t only happen on the school playground, adults can be bullies too.

Before we go any further, let’s define bullying. When I was an elementary teacher, I would get calls from parents about kids bullying their kid ALL THE TIME. I think it was because it was the new cool thing. Bullying isn’t just someone being mean to you one time. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services defines bullying as:

Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior … that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. [People] who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.

The keyword in that is “repeated.” Some people don’t get along. Personalities don’t always match up, but if someone is purposefully and repeatedly going after another person, that my friend, is bullying.

I’ve dealt with adult bullies as an elementary teacher and at the barn. They were people that were clearly insecure and jealous. At first, I could see right through them, and it didn’t bother me. After the constant bullying, and dragging other people into their drama, it started to get to me. I would come home from the barn or school upset. I’d lay in bed at night thinking about things. I let them make me feel inadequate. I let them make me feel worthless when it came to riding. I actually sold my horse and quit riding for a little bit because of a bully. I also was a fairly new mom at that point. My confidence in my riding was already low.

 At the barn, you are more likely to see social bullying and not physical bullying. Here are some examples of social bullying: spreading rumors, nasty looks, underhanded side comments, humiliating someone, making fun of someone, excluding and getting others to exclude as well. Does any of this sound familiar? How about this phrase? “She ruined that horse.” Ugh, I’m so sick of that phrase, seriously! How many times have we all heard that at the side of the arena? While I wrote about blaming people in a previous post, I also think this comment or phrase is often used when people bully at the barn.

 While I was reading (okay . . . listening to) Brené Brown’s book “Daring Greatly,” (https://amzn.to/3ddNF55) she continued to quote Theodore Roosevelt. I think the quote is important for riders that are actually in the ring… on their horses… riding.  Here is what he said:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt, the Man in the Arena. Delivered at the Sorbonne (Paris) on April 23rd, 1910.

My favorite sentence is, “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena…” Most of the time, the bullies are NOT the ones actually in the arena. They are the “critic” on the sidelines. Don’t let them get you down!

Learn more about dealing with barn bullies with these 4 Tips For Dealing With Barn Bullies.